I think this is rock bottom

About 4 months ago Jared started back up with MTS ( a dirt hauling company out of the cities). The company had fallen apart because of Jer's so-called friend, John. He took everything from the company and used it on his own personal wants (I stress wants here, because nothing he spent money on was something he needed, but I won't go into details). Jer was upset, but decided to forgive him, telling me that I need to just let it go, it was in the past (which is cute, how a week ago is past, but 2 years ago things we fought about are still brought up). He continued to drive Helga (the Kenworth) for MTS after this and shortly after John and Jer decided that Jer would finish paying for Helga. Jer has been paying for her since the day he had started driving for John a year and a half ago, but when they started up their own company, the payments stopped because they were going to keep both trucks together, which was fine. Jer finished paying off Helga a year ago, but since John started asking for more, Jer went along with it, let John keep the title, and continued to make payments. Once again, when Jer reached the amount discussed, things get out of hand. Two months ago John makes up a lie about Jer needing to stay around home because he's on probation. I'm sorry, but my baby is a good boy. Believe it or not, it was supposed to be a good lie, to help Jer have a leg to stand on so he can be near home if I need him. Well, MTS wanted proof, and were sick of hearing about it from John, but never a word from Jer. So they fired him. Yes, Jer lost his job because of John. Jer forgives him again. Payday comes around and we drive an hour and a half away to pick up his check, and it's not there. So we have to drive back the next day, and the owner isn't there. So we drive back yet another day, and we're told that we have to wait 45 days to receive his check. Great, considering we're about broke, and rent is almost due. The following Monday Jer starts a new job, and makes it through a 16 hour day, and the wheel seal blows out on the one of the tires. No biggie, Jer drives it home slowly, and has Johns roommates fix it. The dumbasses botch it and it breaks again on the way home. So Jer and my dad fix it, and it holds up like a charm. Jer prepares for work the following Monday and makes it 7 miles out of town and the turbo blew out. Great. No one can help, so Jer has to lug it home, not being able to drive above 3 mph, and parks it. There's nothing he can do. John buys a new turbo, telling Jer he'll have to pay him back (even though the truck title is STILL in Johns' name). Fine, Jer puts it in by himself and prepares for work again. Some gaskets are leaking, so him and my dad fix those and he starts it up. The truck is done for. Metal shavings all through the motor, hoses, everything. Jer calls John and is told that since Jer can't afford to fix it (no shit! he lost his job a month ago because of you!) he's taking the truck back, and Jer isn't getting any of his payments back. Around the same time, Jer gets a call from MTS wanting him to come back to work, and offers him half of his check now, and the rest later once he starts working. Great, we're able to pay rent! But then, since the truck is basically unfixable, Jer isn't able to start work again. John calls MTS and decides to tell them that Jer is lying, and there's nothing wrong with the truck. So MTS calls Jer and tells him now, that he's not getting the rest of his check. It's illegal, but apparently, no one wants to do anything about it. Our cell phones are getting shut off on Monday, our electricity is getting shut off on Tuesday, our rent is due in a week and a half, and we have no food or gas with a total of 43 cents to our names. I honestly think things can't get worse. I think this is rock bottom.

Enough is enough

All I'm going to say is this isn't about Jer. He's the only one helping me through this right now, and I just need to vent.
How I live my life is no longer up to you. That decision was no longer yours a long time ago. Telling me that I NEED to do something in my life, and that I NEED to do something for a child created by Jared and myself - no one else - is grossly out of line. We have our own beliefs, and even Jer and I have our own different beliefs. You can't get around that by attacking me. From now on, if you've got something to say to me, you can say it nicely in front of both of us, instead of cornering me and trying to intimidate me. Because it didn't work this time, and it won't work the next. But I promise you, next time I won't be so quick to keep my mouth shut. Next time, I will tell you for the last time, my opinions. My thoughts. I'm done defending myself to you. I thought this would stop over the years, but everyone else was right and I was wrong. I'm an adult, and I have my own family now. And I don't need drama from someone who is supposed to care and support me and my family.

24 more weeks!

I still think this time is going super fast. Though I still can't wait for the waiting to be over and for little baby to be here. It still all feels like a dream. I mean honestly, how can it not? Being told for years that you can't have children, and then just 1 pregnancy test taken just to get Jer to shut up, managed to change the outlook for the rest of our life together. Since that day, besides all the obvious changes in how we look at things, we've really gotten the ball moving to get married. We always wanted to, like from not even a month after we got together, but we're fianally trying to get everything moving and hope to get married this year yet - preferably while the weather's nice and we can have a little get-together outside. I've begun to buy baby stuff, like, way more than I think I should be at this point, but nothing over $20 so far, so I feel I can justify it. A lot of clothes mostly, and a crib bedding set, and a little vibrating bouncy chair. I can't wait!

Thinking about changing doctors

I've been thinking about this a lot for the past week while still waiting on my appointment that I made 3 weeks ago (which is finally tomorrow). My prenatal dr is the hospital/clinic (they're connected, which is something I love about it) only ob. It never once crossed my mind that he would be too busy for a first time pregnant woman who was told 3 years ago she couldn't have kids. But I've just been growing more and more irritated with the situation the longer I've been waiting. My very first ob appointment he didn't show up. I understand that he was busy, but every other dr in the practice has a fill in, except him, so I drove a half hour to an appointment to just turn around and drive back home because apparently his nurses don't call you when he's unable to make an appointment either. Now, this wouldn't have bothered me so much, I was able to make another appointment for 6 days later, but I had moved my original appointment ahead a couple days because I was cramping really bad and I wanted to make sure everything was ok. Having to wait another week, I wanted to switch dr's then, but I didn't. So when I finally got my first ob appointment, he spend what I honestly think was about 20 seconds doing a pelvic exam and pap, and then left. And now there's this; I scheduled my second appointment 3 weeks ago (it was supposed to be set for sometime last week), but the earliest appointment he had available was tomorrow. Really?!? I know he's busy, but he honestly has to have appointments scheduled 3 weeks out? He's a nice dr, but I just don't feel like I'm getting the care I deserve.

Feeling like a cow

Or a hippo maybe, I think they're more round. I've gained 7 pounds in the past month. It's also just 7 pounds in the past 3 months, but I'm only supposed to have gained 3 pounds over the past 3 months, for a total of 15 pounds through this whole pregnancy. I feel like a fat worthless slob. I look nothing like a pregnant woman, I look like a fat obese monster who can't control herself. But here's the thing. I DO control myself. I walk a mile everyday, and when I can't walk outside I borrowed mom's Gazelle and work on that for AT LEAST a half an hour each day. I eat NO junk food, I have one can of soda a week, just to curb my caffeine headaches. I just feel absolutely disgusting. From going from 180, to 250 in less than 6 months, and being told that nothing is wrong with me is hard enough 2 years later to deal with after being unable to lose any weight. But now continually gaining weight and being completely unable to do anything about it, and unable to see any kind of baby-bump, I'm somehow supposed to be comforted by the fact that this is supposedly all for the baby. If it's for the baby, how come I look like a hippo, and not pregnant?